Hiatus ended!!

I know. I KNOW! I violated one of the coveted rules of blogging – be consistent. Not gonna lie…I’m not sorry.

I vanished off the face of the Earth, but I’m ready to emerge back into the interweb world. Some amazing things have been happening in life for us. We moved to Colorado three weeks ago and it is even better than I could have imagined.

Alex and I found a perfect, little apartment in an ideal location – 8 minutes away from downtown, 15 minutes from Carson, 8 minutes from Garden of the Gods, 5 minutes from Old Colorado City, and 20 minutes to great hiking!! I certainly have more observations and quirky stories to share, but I just wanted to draft up a quick post to get myself back into your feeds!

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Let me preface this by saying I’m awesome.

I got pretty flippin’ amazing news last Friday…Alex passed mountain phase!! Right now he’s in the FINAL phase of Ranger School, swamp phase. It was a surreal moment when I heard his voice for the first time in weeks. The phone call was brief and I was so flustered that I spent most of it half crying and half blabbering.

Now, onto the part where I show you how awesome I am…

 

The first box was the care package I created for Alex for his mountain pass. The other box is my new masterpiece that I crafted for the ride back to GA at the end of swamp phase (given that he passes, which he will because he’s a superhero…).

If all else fails, I guess I could start a sweet Etsy page. Which one do ya’ll like better??

My body is conspiring against me to have a baby.

I’m not kidding. I know you all may think I’m crazy for believing this.

I’m convinced my physical body has not caught up to modern times. It’s difficult to put the feeling into words, but if I had to attempt to describe it, I would say it is a need or urge so strong that it seems instinctual. Now, I’m aware that way back when women were considered of child bearing age whenever they got their first period and didn’t waste too much time after that given shorter life expectancies. I also understand that children served a purpose in the past (and still kinda do). If you go WAY back, they were to populate the Earth. If you go back about 100 years, people probably popped out so many little ones to man their farm or some shit.

What I’m trying to get at is that in today’s era, there really is no need for reproduction (at least for me specifically). People besides me have got the world’s growing population covered…probably too much so. I have no farm land to maintain or any other labor needs. My body doesn’t understand that my life expectancy is looking pretty good at the moment and babies are not all cute fun and games – they are messy, obnoxious, little assholes sometimes most times that will literally and figuratively shit on your dreams. Most importantly, my body doesn’t realize the suffocating constraints of today’s monetary obsession. There is no way in hell that Alex and I can (sanely) afford a child right now, but my uterus doesn’t give any fucks about that. Not only that, but we still aren’t married yet and Alex’s refuses to have a “bastard” child. Having a child out of wedlock would not bother me though…this is the goddamn 21st century…Jesus, get with the fuckin’ times, Alex.

Alex thinks I’m joking when I tell him all that I’ve told you. Little does he know, I couldn’t be more serious. Part of me believes I was put on this Earth to make beautiful babies and love them. He should take that as a compliment really – that my body wants to make an insane amount of babies with him like rabbits do.

Plus…how could you NOT want to make babies after watching this…

 

P.S. If you are reading this Alex, I’m sorry for yelling at you above, but I hope you know I expect you to be this dad!!

Dragon’s Loyalty Award!

I was nominated yesterday for the “Dragon’s Loyalty Award” by Rachel – the lovely lady behind Illuminated Literation. I’m not sure what exactly this award means, but I’m honored nonetheless (is it really one word??). Even though this is clearly a mythical award, it is still a cool way to tell people that you acknowledge their existence, think they’re fucking neat, and learn more about fellow bloggers. My real question though is where can I find said dragon and am I loyal to him, or him to I?

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The Rules:

  1. Display the Award on your blog.
  2. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you.
  3. Nominate six deserving bloggers.
  4. Write seven interesting facts about yourself.

Six Pretty Rad Bloggers:

  1. The Bloggess (whose writing I practically worship in a borderline unhealthy way)
  2. My Least Favorite Child Today (really just the greatest idea ever…I can’t wait to hold annual reviews for my children)
  3. Finding Ikigai (because she’s a genuine woman with good ideas who actually gives a shit about people)
  4. His First Mate (because being a Mil SO is fucking hard and she gets that)
  5. Just in Queso (because cheese and humor are two of the greatest things in life)
  6. Newish Wife (because her most recent post about pickle brined fried chicken has truly intrigued me…)

Seven “Interesting” Facts About Me

  1. I love GIFs (but I’m still not sure if it’s pronounced gif or jif). There is a GIF out there appropriate for every occasion. M6oXi0iTtSQulCkUchAs_giphy-2.gif
  2. I’ve always wanted to write a “Thank You” speech even though I will probably never win anything in my entire life. Does this mean I get to write/give one now?!
  3. I’m terrified that I will not know I am pregnant (in the very beginning) and accidentally go on a drinking binge that will leave my child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or some other deformity that is scarring for life.
  4. I’m also afraid that I am actually unable to bear children…not that I’ve done anything to leave me infertile. Except watching Netflix in college on my laptop as it rested right on my skin, above my uterus…
  5. I’m really so painfully uncreative/unintersting that it is difficult to come up with 7 interesting facts about me (is this cheating?).
  6. My fiance and I like to hang out with each other while we poop. We’ve also used each other’s toothbrushes on several different occasions. Who needs boundaries…
  7. My dream is to write a book someday and/or own my own small business…but I really don’t possess enough skills at the moment to do either, so my dreams will likely crash and burn eventually and join the burial ground where all other adult’s hopes and dreams are laid to rest. oGWj4.gif

 

So yea…just want you all to know that I’m working on my thank you speech…

This is the shit I actually think about

So, there are a pair of birds (my guess, swallows of some sort) that have decided to build their nest on the emergency floodlight in the breezeway right outside of our apartment door. I don’t appreciate the mental dilemma they have plagued me with. I can’t decide if I applaud them or think they are fucktards for their choice of location for their home.

The nest itself, crafted from Georgia clay and pine needles, is a fine work of architecture…I’m not kidding…it’s pretty amazing. On one hand, I get part of their logic – build a nest under a structure that is fairly protected from the elements; HOWEVER, I have some major issues with their decision.

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Attack, Nipples. ATTACK!
  1. They are in VERY close proximity to humans, which generally gives wild animals anxiety.
  2. The nest has absolutely no camouflage-like qualities to it. It’s just out there, visible to all. Any predator, human or animal, could destroy their lives and eat there babies…the savagery
  3. I feel like they got the whole “nature” thing wrong.

At first it was difficult to get too angry with them for shitting all over our stairs and making a mess when they are so little and cute. Now, it has gone from “mess” to complete squalor. Seriously guys, fuck you. Have some God damn respect. At this point, I’m hoping that nature takes it’s course and by that I mean that the neighborhood stray cat, that I’ve lovingly named Nipples (our friend named him “the dude”, which I kind of like better, but refuse to rename Nipples out of shear stubbornness) viciously attacks and devours them…

 

My favorite HEALTHY eats!

Let me preface this by telling you all that I am by no means a health guru, but I’ve expanded my knowledge quite a bit over the past few years in the health and fitness realm. Full disclosure – if someone suggests pizza, mac n cheese, wine, booze, cookies, tacos, etc., I will absolutely join them in the passenger seat on their journey of poor nutritional decisions. I believe in taking care of your body, but, just as importantly, having fun in life. I know it’s the thing for all women to have a poor self image, but I think I look pretty damn okay. This quote sums it up perfectly to me…

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With that being said…here are my favorite guilt-free eats!

Continue reading “My favorite HEALTHY eats!”