First of all, for all you smartasses out there – CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I know it is not spelled aCOPalypse, but aPOCalypse. My mother, who is 58 years old, can never get it right and I find it hilarious. So, per my mother…the zombie ACOPALYPSE is upon us!!
Secondly, for all you fun suckers out there,
I obviously know the zombie apocalypse is not really upon us and will never be, but it’s entertaining to ponder. Clearly, I am a Walking Dead fan, so I’ve given this extensive thought. My fiance, Alex, and I like to play a game called “What Would We Do If the Zombie Apocalypse Happened RIGHT THIS SECOND”. Sometimes we’ll be at home, in the car, at the aquarium, or randomly out and about – the plan has to be conducive to where we are at that moment. So, what would YOU do if zombies wanted to eat your face off right meow?!
Here are the reasons as to why I would absolutely not survive the zombie apocalypse:
- I’m allergic to everything. A peanut could literally kill me…something the size of my fingernail can end my life.
- I have asthma…would make the whole “run for your life” thing annoyingly difficult.
- Aside from having asthma, I LOATHE running. I would just be like “Ok, I’m tired. You fuckin’ win, flesh eating creature.”
- I immediately trust that everyone is of a good nature. I’m a person that likes to be kind to everyone, which would definitely get me killed, and probably Alex too (sorry, Alex), in the apocalypse.
- If all my loved ones died, I would just quit.
- I have very few to no survival skills and I am a terrible shot with a gun. I almost accidentally shot Alex in the penis once (fun story). Luckily, Alex’s military experience and knowledge will come in handy.
- There would be no more pizza and that would upset me to the point of hysteria.
So, given that list of how I would die in an apocalyptic circumstance, here’s the very general plan Alex and I have created (clearly depending on our location at the time). First move would be to loot pharmacies, gun stores, and supermarkets. After we stocked up on asthma medication (hey, and birth control while we’re at it…no one wants to have a baby when zombies are mulling about), weapons, and food, we’d head North and pick up important family members on the way (sorry…gotta choose favorites). With supplies and loved ones in tow, we’d hike up into the mountains far away from civilization. We’d probably camp out there until we needed more supplies and/or ran into a crazy apocalyptic situation.
Please share your aCOPalypse plans with me, so that I can adjust mine accordingly and pass your brilliant ideas off as my own to make myself look smarter…
P.S. NORMAN REEDUS…COME JOIN US. WE’RE COOL CATS, I PROMISE.